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Hello 😊
I would love to learn more about staying in my own energy. I have troubles with not letting the for example stress of other people take over me. I'm a big empath and I seem to soak in other peoples emotions like a sponge and then vibrate on their level instead of giving them the opportunity to get on my level and stay unaffected even if they don't. It's great if another person vibrates higher than me and I get to pick up on that but when it pulls me down, even if I don't want that to happen it has the ability to turn my good day into a bad one. Does that make sense?
First, let me say, yes, I totally get this. I too feel other people’s emotions in ways that make or break my days. Sometimes, I feel like I get cast into storming ocean swells I am unable to swim out of and spend many hours after an encounter or trigger just trying to get back to shore. The first question that pops up for me is, “Who are you?” Followed by, “And what are your boundaries?” And lastly, “Who do you depend on for your high vibrational states? What are they giving to you, and how could you replicate it for and from yourself?” I ask so many questions in return because I’m curious about how you'd answer, and looking back on my own experience, these are the series of questions I asked myself on my journey.
“Who are you?”
I’ve gathered that my own sponginess comes from not having a strong sense of Self. I grew up in a family and social system that pulverized my “Self”. I learned early that my Self was not safe at home. I needed to be on alert to what emotions were moving through our apartment so I could think ahead and survive. If my Dad was angry or my Mom was overwhelmed, I did not want that energy directed towards me.
My Self became adaptable to a fault, and I buried her in favor of versions of me who were likable to my parents, peers, and teachers. The results began with temper tantrums and matured into dissociation, emotional eating, self-harm, drugs, compulsive sex with strangers, and suicidal thinking. I let myself disappear into extreme places out of grief and despair.
Who was I? Did anyone care about me – the real me? When I realized these behaviors were based on a lost Self, and I let myself feel the grief of years lost not being my authentic Self, it didn’t make way for happiness; it made way for anger. I abandoned hope. I started to numb out. I was never supposed to express how angry I was about all the violations because my anger wasn’t part of the deal. I was bullied back into masking and inauthenticity to maintain relationships. Since they were the only relationships I had (and as a social creature/young child we are wired to maintain relationships at all costs) I always came back to accepting responsibility for not behaving as I should have. Which was really, “please forgive me for not being the self we agreed I would be to be in a relationship with you.”
What I wish I could say to my younger self, gently and firmly, is, “who are you? Show me, and I’ll care for her. Show me, and I’ll love her. Show me, and no one can take her away. She is wanted and welcomed and loved for who she is, not who she can be for someone else. Don’t worry about who they need you to be; who are you?” Knowing who I am is still a work in process. I’m going backward to develop my ego right now because I didn’t do those normal ego development tasks at the ages I was supposed to—it’s starting with basic things.
“What do I like to do?”
Uh, I don’t know…
Okay, what do you feel keen on trying? Or what have you always wanted to learn but never let yourself?
Skateboarding!
What skills did you develop during this time arrested ego time that you do enjoy?
Cooking!
Two activities are yours.
For two years, I oscillated between cooking and learning how to skateboard while also staying in my groove of TV binging and numbing out. I struggled with really intense loneliness, but holding onto these two activities did allow things to start to change. My sense of self is like a five-year-old's; I know what I like and can relate to people at that vertex. Aka the "What’s your favorite color? Oh mine too! Let’s be friends!" stage.
And what are your boundaries?
You mentioned, “I'm a big empath, and I seem to soak in other people’s emotions like a sponge and then vibrate on their level instead of giving them the opportunity to get on my level and stay unaffected even if they don't.” When I read this, the first thing I wonder is if you’re making an assumption. Like you (and like myself), people create their emotional energy from feeding off or responding to other people’s emotional states rather than stirring or stilling their own emotional landscape. No one needs you to vibrate in any particular way for their day to be pleasant. It’s not your job to set the tone for others, nor is it anyone else’s job to set the tone for you.
Part of me wants to ask about boundaries because empaths are often encapsulated in others' emotional landscapes as one or more of the following: a coping mechanism, a trauma response, a natural gift, or codependency. The other part of me wants to say that the boundary piece is pompous bullshit because we can all sense each other’s emotions. Some of us are really good at playing those emotions to our advantage, and others are swept up in the game. But that also feels self-righteous and indignant. Yes, I have a codependent streak (no matter how much I wish that wasn’t true).
When I sense someone is in a bad mood, it can trigger my own bad mood like a spark that starts a blaze. This person may not be admitting their emotions to me; I may be running into their boundary instead. They may be keeping their feelings tucked away for a myriad of reasons—it's not the time or place, they may be processing, they may not be comfortable sharing with me, etc. Yet, I am not honoring their boundary because I’m feeling into the emotions I am sensing and what that means for me. Which is (cue the *ouch*) selfish.
Or maybe someone is directing their high vibrations or low vibrations towards me, and rather than discerning if I want their energy, I let it in without pausing to assess, or ask questions… mostly because when this happens, I get a bit scrambled, and I lose myself. This is why I started my response with Who are you? Before we can even have boundaries, I think we need to have a sense of self that we know, nurture, and protect. Mostly because “boundaries” are a dynamic skill. It is one we have to first learn how to establish and cultivate for a specific reason.
No, I am not available to do that.
No, I do not want a hug.
I would like to receive flowers from you on my birthday and not receive more gifts.
Yes, you can kiss me.
Yes, you can expect me at dinner, and I am not ready to talk about school.
From what I gather from your question is that what you’re grasping for is emotional stability from your core. Boundaries are one of many skills in the toolkit of emotional stability. What our boundaries are change from person to person, situation to situation, and how we reinforce those boundaries in real-time matures. To have our emotional stability is an endeavor to “master” but will always be subject to change if we stay in a dynamic relationship with our Self. So, while I ask about Self, we need to be open and curious about ourselves and the world around us; not getting too comfortable, stagnant, or arrested in our development. New jobs, new relationships, new activities, new friends, and becoming a mother a father, or a parent all change who we are and our relationship to and with the self. Our boundaries have to be hewn to who we are for the moment and mutable enough to change with the times.
“Who do you depend on for your high vibrational states? What are they giving to you, and how could you replicate it for and from yourself?”
This question is borrowed from a tarot reading I received involving The Four of Cups, The Sun, and The Empress cards, and basically, the cards read me for filth.
Like, what are you so unhappy for? Don’t you know you’ve got the sun inside of you? You don’t have to 'impregnate' yourself with everyone who comes your way. Wear protection cause the 'pull out' method ain’t working for you." – my sassy spirit guides
Part of this for me is my own codependency, based on surviving a war that isn’t going on anymore. Growing up, I lived in a constant state of chaos. I never knew who my Dad was going to be: the one who threw plates or the one who wanted to play. I relied upon my parents, as all children do, to teach me how to navigate and control my inner landscape, but unfortunately, both my parents are/were emotionally immature. I feel the need to insert here that they’re not bad people, and it’s not so black and white. Although limited and flawed, I know my parents love me, and I can’t boil them down to only their bad or good deeds; they are more complex than that. I have felt out of control and controlled most of my life. At its core, codependency is about using control/controlling people to feel safe in the world.
It is time to bring the soldier home from war and realize that the war effort is over. I need to thank her for all her hard work in keeping me alive until now. As an adult, and safe in many ways, I am now in a position where I can stop trying to control people to stay safe.
I need to look at whom I think as I create my own emotional landscape; I need to embody the role of the gardener and plant seeds with intention. I need to gather tools to deal with confrontation and other people’s bad moods. I need to regularly tend to my own needs, wants, and desires. I need to set and hold boundaries, structures, or scaffolding for things to grow wildly and beautifully throughout the garden. I need to turn towards myself and fill my own cup with love, adoration, and happiness.
In conclusion, the journey of self-discovery and emotional healing is both intricate and deeply personal. Unraveling the layers of our own existence requires introspection, resilience, and a commitment to authenticity. As we navigate the terrain of our emotions, relationships, and boundaries, it becomes evident that our past experiences shape us, but they need not define us.
Understanding who we are at our core, free from external expectations and societal norms, is a continual process. It involves acknowledging the impact of our upbringing, recognizing patterns of codependency, and allowing ourselves the space to cultivate a sense of self that is genuine and resilient.
The concept of boundaries, as dynamic and evolving skills, reminds us that emotional stability stems from within. It requires a delicate balance of self-awareness and adaptability, honoring the ever-changing nature of our identities and circumstances. The realization that our emotional landscapes are not solely influenced by external forces but are also a reflection of our internal world empowers us to take charge of our well-being.
In facing the echoes of past chaos and the remnants of control-seeking behaviors, we find liberation in acknowledging that the war has ended. It's time to thank the resilient parts of ourselves that kept us alive and to embrace the role of the gardener—nurturing our emotional landscape intentionally and with love.
Have you faced similar challenges on your path to self-discovery? Do you have questions, reflections, or anecdotes you'd like to share? I invite you to join the conversation. Comment below with your thoughts, experiences, or any questions you might have.
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