I’ve been thinking about how I am comfortable being charged 50.00 for a skirt but not charging fifty dollars for a service. I’ll pay more money for a haircut than I’d charge someone for my own work. I’ll sacrifice myself at the expense of myself over and over again. And it doesn’t just show up in money.
I’ll stop what I’m doing if someone needs help. I’ll say yes, when I really mean no. I’ll carry my child all day even though my shoulders are raging in pain or sleep outside with her because that’s what she prefers.
Why do I need to be overly available to everybody all the time? Short + sweet: I don’t.
This obligation is my social conditioning that says be good, be helpful, be agreeable and you’ll be liked. This has created a bitterness in me. I’ve turned inward my own frustrations at the freedoms other people seem to be allowed. I’ve resented and craved money, freedom, flexibility at the same time I’ve said that’s for other people; not me. I’
For many years, I’ve toyed mentally with the inner work of making money. Feeling deeply shameful of my desire to access the world in the ways others do and allowing myself small indulgences that make me feel greedy. Recently a new body wisdom came flooding into my mind — and things are shifting.
At the core of our being sit our beliefs. Beliefs about how things do and don’t work; how they should and should not work; who we are and are not; who and what we can and cannot do. The joy and pain of this is the illusion of control we set upon the world. In my world I controlled my goodness by only being comfortable with not receiving money. Not charging money. Self-sabotaging opportunities that would give me money because in essence I would not be worthy of it. My work was inadequate. I was inadequate.
For three years, I have wrestled this disgust-desire paradigm. I want + need money but I disavow it. I distain and admire those who have lots of it. Jealous or envious of those it comes easy towards and am frustrated by having no money makes me morally superior crowd. I could not understand what piece of the the puzzle I was missing. My mind craved money, my body felt disgust.
Brene Brown’s book The Atlas of the Heart dives into emotions in a nuanced capacity. It discusses the virtue of disgust and how it relates to shame. When I take elements from her work and align them to my experience I find that the bodily response to money (disgust) was actually my shame. Brown defines shame as “the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging—something we've experienced, done, or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection.”
I had encoded the depth of my shame into my body that I was unworthy of money. My mind knew this but wisdom of it was all twisted up into my bodily experience. I was disgusted and disgusting. As humans we travel far away from that which disgusts us as it keeps us alive and away from engaging with toxic materials. Here was my core problem. I could not digest, alchemize, or transmute the energy of money as if I was eating a banana… (bananas are so gross to me, I gag every time I try to eat one). I needed to unravel disgust from money. I needed a new tool…
Tools I’ve come to honor and use more readily are plant medicines and herbs as well as prayer. I’ve learned the distinct power of speaking aloud prayers with the plants asking for specific guidance has unlocked doorways inside of my body that have otherwise remained firmly closed. I could not do this work with these tools. I say this to honor both their wisdom over the years and the respect that this kind of tool is not accessible. I do not want to give the false testimony of having done this on my own or acknowledging the privilege + power of the tools. It was the combination that unlocked this key to me: money is abstract god consciousness.
When I was 13, I was your god-hating, all black-wearing, everyday-emo, atheist. I vehemently hated church and the Christian household I was living in. So, coming around now as a believer in the spiritual is a new experience for me. I’ve always been comfortable with tangible forms of abundance: friends, fruit, food, gifts, trades, goods. I was happy to bathe in that abundance not realizing that this was tangible god energy. I thought why don’t we just trade for everything. It is an immature concept, unevolved, and dismissive of what is in creation.
Dismissing money is not morally correct. Greed is not inherent to money, it is inherent to people. People can have little money and be greedy, selfish, and hoard (anything) out of fear. People can have lots of money and be greedy, selfish, and hoarding.
This is the money codes I unlocked: I was disgusted with the abstract form of God because I still was unsure of its intangibility. I could not hold it in my hands, thus I did not trust it (like a toxic substance) and duly had turned that disgust in on itself and pointed it at myself. I was not good enough to access that energy. Everything that is abundant is God Consciousness made real. Our aliveness, the aliveness of nature, the prosperity of our world is Godliness.
There is generational wounding in my family that has come from the compounded efforts of greedy people if you want what we have than you are not a good person. The desire to stay good is motivating in that it keeps people from accessing God in this frequency. “I am a good person,” is one of the most controlling statements we make about ourselves. It is an invisible prison made of cactuses and stinging flowers: beautiful but painful. The wound of greediness was not just mine but my family’s, my ancestor’s, my culture. Funnily, this has been staring me in the face in my 10th house Saturn.
I do not believe I need anyone else to connect to God thus I do not need to prove my goodness to bring money into my life, to be comfortable with it, or to use it. True God consciousness is infinitely available to all of us. It is available through the wisdom of my cells, my muscles, my bones, my voice, my actions.
To bring this full circle let me put this into a tangible perspective for you. In the month of August I made $125.00. I had not yet asked plants for support or prayed over it in this way… last week I ingested a small dosage of herbs and mushrooms asking to decode this. In 24 hours, all of this I just described came flooding into my being like rain on the playa. Within a week I have made close to five hundred dollars. That’s a 75% increase in a week.
I’ve continued to pray. I’ve continued to say thank you. I’ve started allowing myself opportunity and in turn have been more creative and less linear about how to make money. Money is a gift we receive from God not better or different than a cool breeze on a hot day, or a strawberry, or our salary. They are gifts. Robin Wall Kimmerer says this on the subject, “A gift comes to you through no action of your own, free, having moved toward you without your beckoning. It is not a reward; you cannot earn it, or call it to you, or even deserve it. And yet it appears. Your only role is to be open-eyed and present.”
If you too have a greedy wound here are some action steps you can take.
1. Start to take notice of the gifts you receive through out your day. Say outloud, “what a gift!” when ever you are given something be it a breeze, a strawberry, sound advice, or your salary. Do it then, in the moment.Pray. Pray with your voice and into your body. Meditate on an area where you feel your abundance the most. Connect to that area and say your prayers aloud. Narrate, ask questions, rant, make requests, sing, or dance. Doesn’t matter how, just be with you and God.
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