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Growing up in my household was similar to growing up in a cult. There was a story of who my parents were that had to be followed. They were who they said they were, I was who they said I was, and to betray, trigger, or demand an alternate reality (your own vs. theirs) was cause for drama and trauma.
I was an empathetic child. I felt my parents storms, their fears, their anxieties, their expectations, their wants and their needs. But most of what they really wanted, needed, or experienced wasn’t something they could allow. Both struggle/d with narcissism which made their realities and sense of selves fragile and incontestable.
Thus it became safe and natural to play a character of myself rather than to explore who I actually was. As an adult, this meant I struggled to be authentic, exist honestly in relationships, show up for myself, and even to write my own story (to live from my own inner compass).
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